So it's been a long long time since I've dropped lines in here. Well, love has a strange way of turning your whole world upside-down, setting things ablaze and redefining the parameters of this thing we all call reality. But it's time now to bring you all up to speed.
Imagine... Moab, Utah... 110 degrees Fahrenheit... it's impossible to walk barefoot on anything, when you stand in the sun it's as if the finger of god were upon you. You awake in a van every morning drenched in sweat and covered in mosquito bites, the dog lays under the bed panting, tortured by the heat. When you do finally rise there exists an immediate emergency situation where you must find shade.. and now. Not just enough shade for you, but enough shade for the van, so the ice in your cooler doesn't melt, your food doesn't go bad, and your film stock doesn't cook under the hot desert sun. Shade is a prime commodity in a place like Moab, without it, you're as good as dead.
Once you find shade under a tree in the park, you sit and wait it out, there's not much else you can really do.. you read... you reorganize... you sit.
This was the average day for Liz and I in Moab, except while I sat in the shade, Liz spent her time knitting at Desert Thread a local yarn shop where she is now considered family... it's difficult to be productive when you're held hostage by sunlight and the threat of dehydration. And while I'm struggling through the heat, I'm also trying to coexist with my loved one within 24 square feet. I can see that she is growing increasingly unhappy with bathing out of rubbermaid containers, sleeping in her own sweat, and the dirty grimy smelly existence that goes with van life. It's not fun, especially at 110 degrees. We're both becoming increasingly irritable, and all the love we share is giving way to intolerance, resentment, and impatience both within the van and within ourselves.
There comes a time and place when you have to take stock and reevaluate your situation. I think for us that came somewhere in the last week of June when the magic and wonder of the desert gave way to a deep desire for the cool high elevations of our home back in Colorado, and the compassionate humor of our friends that live there. For me the desert taught me a lot... it taught me that as much as I am in love with Liz and in love with spending time together, I'm not in love with living in a dirty smelly van with her, and it's difficult if not impossible to make a feature film while coexisting in such a small space. I often compare it to being a photojournalist in a war zone trying to capture images, while your lover is calling to you asking where you'd like to eat dinner and if you like her latest knit creation.
Although I must say that some of my best interview leads resulted from Liz' involvement in the Moab knitting circle. Anyways you would have thought I had learned this lesson up in the Arctic with Forbes, where after 4 months of working together I sent him home in deep need of solitude. But you see, I tend to be optimistic and love has a way of making nothing matter, making hard times worth while, and making all of us blind to the road of common sense. Since for every moment of frustration Liz and I shared in Veronica's oven-like interior, there are so many more bliss-filled moments of laughter, love, sharing, intellectual exchanges and I'd be a fool not to mention the literally HOT sex ;-)
So where was I, oh yeah, it's the last week of June and things are breaking down... I'm realizing I have to make this film alone, and Liz is realizing life in a van isn't all it cracked up to be and is planning to return to Colorado to finish up her degree. It's a difficult realization filled with sadness at the prospect of a future apart, but at the same time it brings with it a sense of relief for us both. Emerging now is acceptance and understanding which is bringing with it a deep sense of peace between us. I am so grateful for the time in the van with Liz since it brought an increased depth of understanding for myself and I'm sure she feels the same way.
We left Moab and headed back to Colorado for the 4th of July, into the arms of loving friends and cool high mountain air that allowed all the pressure built up between us to escape, which in turn allows us to get back to what matters in the here and now, which is laughing, hiking, being blissed out and loving each other.
So now it's July 22nd and we've been house sitting our friend Jeff's a-frame up in the Rockies for the past two weeks. Liz has found a beautiful Victorian house down in Denver and in some weird way it feels like things are beginning to come full circle.
I've chosen to put the project on hold until September 1st and Liz and I are just enjoying our time together until we have to walk our own roads again for awhile. We're going to Burning Man in Nevada at the end of August and this crazy mind blowing event will mark both a celebration of what we have shared, while also a process of letting go while holding onto the faith that if things are meant to be, our roads will bring us together once more.
I can say for certain that Liz as much as she may, at times, drive me crazy, is one of the best teachers and mirrors I have ever had. I know she'll be in my life for as long as I'm alive. We have made a commitment to revisit our relationship since what we have shared doesn't come along every day. I know our paths will cross again regardless. And, I know that love is crazy and unpredictable and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone to establish what's worth establishing, to leave behind parts of yourself that are afraid or angry, to believe anything is possible, and to hold on only to let go, so that maybe in some strange way you can actually hold on.
A close friend of mine in Denver gave me a copy of the book The Only Dance There Is which is made up of talks given by Ram Dass. I especially liked this part about love.
Love As A State of Being If a Western man were to become a fully enlightened being what would happen to his human relationships, particularly love? Let me start with the word "love" for the moment. I think there is a transformation that goes on in one's conception of the term "love". And I think one changes from seeing it as a verb, to seeing it as a state of being. And you move much more toward what would be called Christ-love, that is, the state of being where one "is" love. One is like a light that emits, and one is a loving being. Consciousness and energy are an identity, as I said last night, and similarly with those identities is the term love. That is, that love and consciousness are one and the same thing. So that as you get into a higher state of consciousness you come closer to being in love. That doesn't mean in interpersonal love. It means being-love. Now if you and I love or fall into love and I say, "She really turns me on. I love her," from this model what I see is happening is that I'm saying, "You are a....," in the imprinting literature, "You are a superordinate key stimulus that is eliciting an innate response mechanism. You're releasing an innate response mechanism." Or I could say it in a more general sense, saying that, "You're turning me on." And you're turning me on to a place inside myself that is love. So I am experiencing what it means to "be in love." And I'm saying I am in love with you. I am in love with my connection to the place in me that is love, is the way I would now say it in this Western framework. Now to keep working with this I would say that as you are making love and totally into the interpenetration as much as your bodies would allow and your thoughts and feelings would often allow and still feel that there was a separateness. And it is interesting that as long as you are under the illusion that what you are loving is "out there" you will always experience that separateness. It is only when you begin to understand that if you and I are truly in love, if I go to the place in me that is love and you to the place in you that is love, we are "together" in Love. We start to understand that what love means is that we are sharing a common state together. That state exists in you and it exists in me. Now the enlightened being - what happens to him is that he changes the nature of his love object from a specific love object to it all, finally. You would say that an enlightened being is totally in love with the universe, in the sense that everything in the universe turns him on to that place in himself where he is love and consciousness. So I would say that an interpersonal relationship that has any qualities of possessiveness in it, or ego drama of any kind, certainly undergoes changes as the nature of consciousness changes. And at the same moment I would say that as a person becomes more conscious, he understands that he has certain karmic commitments, that is, existing contracts which may be with parents, it may be with husband or wife, it may be with children - and that he cannot rid himself from these without creating a karmic cost - without leaving behind some uncooked seeds that he's running away from. - Ram Dass, The Only Dance There Is
Another except that has been helpful for me comes from my friend Ken Williams in Alberta. The original email wasn't sent to me, but I still find the insight into attachement thought provoking and in some way comforting. It becomes I guess about being a Knight of Faith rather than a Knight of Resignation.
Buddhists of course work very hard in their practice to detach themselves, and rid themselves of the pain of attachments too -- they see all human suffering coming out of attachments of one kind or another. If you are a Buddhist at all, then you will have to see your pain as being created out of the illusion of attachment, and learn to accept that situation. But our Western tradition is all about attachments and passion. For me personally, I think life full of contradictions and mystery, and that means, for me, that it's both true that we ought not to get caught up in our attachments (in other words, learn to detach from things, from life itself) while at the same time, choosing to embrace things tightly and passionately. The great Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard writes beautifully about this, in "Fear and Trembling"... he compares what he calls the Knight of Resignation (one who learns to detach) with the Knight of Faith (who learns this detachment, and steps one step beyond it to re-attach to life 'by virtue of the absurd'). The knight of faith embraces life wholeheartedly, even while knowing detachment, knowing that nothing can be truly possessed. - Ken Williams
All of this to say that life is beautiful, difficult, and magical and although it's not always easy to find our way, we must move forward without fear, holding onto faith and understanding, and do our best to love each other to the full extent of our human capabilities.
peace,
d
Imagine... Moab, Utah... 110 degrees Fahrenheit... it's impossible to walk barefoot on anything, when you stand in the sun it's as if the finger of god were upon you. You awake in a van every morning drenched in sweat and covered in mosquito bites, the dog lays under the bed panting, tortured by the heat. When you do finally rise there exists an immediate emergency situation where you must find shade.. and now. Not just enough shade for you, but enough shade for the van, so the ice in your cooler doesn't melt, your food doesn't go bad, and your film stock doesn't cook under the hot desert sun. Shade is a prime commodity in a place like Moab, without it, you're as good as dead.Once you find shade under a tree in the park, you sit and wait it out, there's not much else you can really do.. you read... you reorganize... you sit.
This was the average day for Liz and I in Moab, except while I sat in the shade, Liz spent her time knitting at Desert Thread a local yarn shop where she is now considered family... it's difficult to be productive when you're held hostage by sunlight and the threat of dehydration. And while I'm struggling through the heat, I'm also trying to coexist with my loved one within 24 square feet. I can see that she is growing increasingly unhappy with bathing out of rubbermaid containers, sleeping in her own sweat, and the dirty grimy smelly existence that goes with van life. It's not fun, especially at 110 degrees. We're both becoming increasingly irritable, and all the love we share is giving way to intolerance, resentment, and impatience both within the van and within ourselves.
There comes a time and place when you have to take stock and reevaluate your situation. I think for us that came somewhere in the last week of June when the magic and wonder of the desert gave way to a deep desire for the cool high elevations of our home back in Colorado, and the compassionate humor of our friends that live there. For me the desert taught me a lot... it taught me that as much as I am in love with Liz and in love with spending time together, I'm not in love with living in a dirty smelly van with her, and it's difficult if not impossible to make a feature film while coexisting in such a small space. I often compare it to being a photojournalist in a war zone trying to capture images, while your lover is calling to you asking where you'd like to eat dinner and if you like her latest knit creation.
Although I must say that some of my best interview leads resulted from Liz' involvement in the Moab knitting circle. Anyways you would have thought I had learned this lesson up in the Arctic with Forbes, where after 4 months of working together I sent him home in deep need of solitude. But you see, I tend to be optimistic and love has a way of making nothing matter, making hard times worth while, and making all of us blind to the road of common sense. Since for every moment of frustration Liz and I shared in Veronica's oven-like interior, there are so many more bliss-filled moments of laughter, love, sharing, intellectual exchanges and I'd be a fool not to mention the literally HOT sex ;-)So where was I, oh yeah, it's the last week of June and things are breaking down... I'm realizing I have to make this film alone, and Liz is realizing life in a van isn't all it cracked up to be and is planning to return to Colorado to finish up her degree. It's a difficult realization filled with sadness at the prospect of a future apart, but at the same time it brings with it a sense of relief for us both. Emerging now is acceptance and understanding which is bringing with it a deep sense of peace between us. I am so grateful for the time in the van with Liz since it brought an increased depth of understanding for myself and I'm sure she feels the same way.
We left Moab and headed back to Colorado for the 4th of July, into the arms of loving friends and cool high mountain air that allowed all the pressure built up between us to escape, which in turn allows us to get back to what matters in the here and now, which is laughing, hiking, being blissed out and loving each other.
So now it's July 22nd and we've been house sitting our friend Jeff's a-frame up in the Rockies for the past two weeks. Liz has found a beautiful Victorian house down in Denver and in some weird way it feels like things are beginning to come full circle.
I've chosen to put the project on hold until September 1st and Liz and I are just enjoying our time together until we have to walk our own roads again for awhile. We're going to Burning Man in Nevada at the end of August and this crazy mind blowing event will mark both a celebration of what we have shared, while also a process of letting go while holding onto the faith that if things are meant to be, our roads will bring us together once more.
I can say for certain that Liz as much as she may, at times, drive me crazy, is one of the best teachers and mirrors I have ever had. I know she'll be in my life for as long as I'm alive. We have made a commitment to revisit our relationship since what we have shared doesn't come along every day. I know our paths will cross again regardless. And, I know that love is crazy and unpredictable and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone to establish what's worth establishing, to leave behind parts of yourself that are afraid or angry, to believe anything is possible, and to hold on only to let go, so that maybe in some strange way you can actually hold on.A close friend of mine in Denver gave me a copy of the book The Only Dance There Is which is made up of talks given by Ram Dass. I especially liked this part about love.
Love As A State of Being If a Western man were to become a fully enlightened being what would happen to his human relationships, particularly love? Let me start with the word "love" for the moment. I think there is a transformation that goes on in one's conception of the term "love". And I think one changes from seeing it as a verb, to seeing it as a state of being. And you move much more toward what would be called Christ-love, that is, the state of being where one "is" love. One is like a light that emits, and one is a loving being. Consciousness and energy are an identity, as I said last night, and similarly with those identities is the term love. That is, that love and consciousness are one and the same thing. So that as you get into a higher state of consciousness you come closer to being in love. That doesn't mean in interpersonal love. It means being-love. Now if you and I love or fall into love and I say, "She really turns me on. I love her," from this model what I see is happening is that I'm saying, "You are a....," in the imprinting literature, "You are a superordinate key stimulus that is eliciting an innate response mechanism. You're releasing an innate response mechanism." Or I could say it in a more general sense, saying that, "You're turning me on." And you're turning me on to a place inside myself that is love. So I am experiencing what it means to "be in love." And I'm saying I am in love with you. I am in love with my connection to the place in me that is love, is the way I would now say it in this Western framework. Now to keep working with this I would say that as you are making love and totally into the interpenetration as much as your bodies would allow and your thoughts and feelings would often allow and still feel that there was a separateness. And it is interesting that as long as you are under the illusion that what you are loving is "out there" you will always experience that separateness. It is only when you begin to understand that if you and I are truly in love, if I go to the place in me that is love and you to the place in you that is love, we are "together" in Love. We start to understand that what love means is that we are sharing a common state together. That state exists in you and it exists in me. Now the enlightened being - what happens to him is that he changes the nature of his love object from a specific love object to it all, finally. You would say that an enlightened being is totally in love with the universe, in the sense that everything in the universe turns him on to that place in himself where he is love and consciousness. So I would say that an interpersonal relationship that has any qualities of possessiveness in it, or ego drama of any kind, certainly undergoes changes as the nature of consciousness changes. And at the same moment I would say that as a person becomes more conscious, he understands that he has certain karmic commitments, that is, existing contracts which may be with parents, it may be with husband or wife, it may be with children - and that he cannot rid himself from these without creating a karmic cost - without leaving behind some uncooked seeds that he's running away from. - Ram Dass, The Only Dance There Is
Another except that has been helpful for me comes from my friend Ken Williams in Alberta. The original email wasn't sent to me, but I still find the insight into attachement thought provoking and in some way comforting. It becomes I guess about being a Knight of Faith rather than a Knight of Resignation.
Buddhists of course work very hard in their practice to detach themselves, and rid themselves of the pain of attachments too -- they see all human suffering coming out of attachments of one kind or another. If you are a Buddhist at all, then you will have to see your pain as being created out of the illusion of attachment, and learn to accept that situation. But our Western tradition is all about attachments and passion. For me personally, I think life full of contradictions and mystery, and that means, for me, that it's both true that we ought not to get caught up in our attachments (in other words, learn to detach from things, from life itself) while at the same time, choosing to embrace things tightly and passionately. The great Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard writes beautifully about this, in "Fear and Trembling"... he compares what he calls the Knight of Resignation (one who learns to detach) with the Knight of Faith (who learns this detachment, and steps one step beyond it to re-attach to life 'by virtue of the absurd'). The knight of faith embraces life wholeheartedly, even while knowing detachment, knowing that nothing can be truly possessed. - Ken Williams
All of this to say that life is beautiful, difficult, and magical and although it's not always easy to find our way, we must move forward without fear, holding onto faith and understanding, and do our best to love each other to the full extent of our human capabilities.
peace,
d
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