Last night as I was driving to my sleep spot here in Meeker, I couldn't help but feel that I'm outside the world looking in, that I'm living in a crack or a tear in the fabric of our manufactured reality.

I drive along like a ghost, in between people's realities, somewhat outside the mainstream.

No one knows me here, people see me, but few connect, leaving me on outside. And, I'm becoming more and more self sufficient in the van, needing less contact, allowing me to be even more invisible to the world.

It's a strange feeling. Everyone is racing around for Christmas, shopping, running errands, visiting family, getting excited, and there I am just sitting, drifting, watching, listening, but not a part of any of it. Maybe it sounds creepy, maybe it sounds sad, but to me it's kinda nice. It's nice to be getting closer to that separate reality I've been searching for. It's nice to be closer to a world outside the construct, a construct that is even more apparent to me during Christmas than any other time of year. Christmas is the epitome of a consensus trance, we all agree to shop, shop, shop, visit, spend family time, and dream of a Coca-Cola-colored fat man, even if we don't believe in Jesus. It's strange really.

Now I do believe in and support all the good things that come with Christmas, family, spending time together, so I'm not knocking the whole deal, I'm just illustrating a point about created realities. I love the idea of tradition, but not conforming to traditional ideas that have gone off the rails, and not subscribing to traditions without any awareness of what you're doing or why you're doing it. I would argue that for a lot of us, we simply celebrate because it's what everyone else is doing.

I heard this woman giving another woman shit yesterday,
"You're in big trouble!"
"Why?"
"Because yesterday I had a really hard day at work, and as I was driving home I was thinking, oh it'll be so nice to see Julie's Christmas lights on. But as I rounded the corner to your house, there was Nothing, NOT A SINGLE LIGHT!"
"Yeah, we decided not to set up lights this year."
"And, why is that?"
"Oh, just didn't feel up to it, but we DID set up a tree yesterday."
"Well so did I, AND I have lights outside!"
"(smiles trying to end the conversation)"
"Well, I just wanted you to know, you're in big trouble."

There it is, don't try to stray otherwise you'll be in BIG TROUBLE! Conform or else! It's all so funny to me. The cult of Christmas ;-) Hehe, I'm being facetious to a degree here, so don't hang me using colored lights.

But in any case, I feel outside this Christmas reality, with the exception of my visits to gas pumps, and my online blog time. But maybe in time those too will fall away somehow, I'm not quite sure.

I do know I'm desperately trying to rethink the box, I'm trying to get outside it for a clearer understanding, and maybe Christmas is a good place to start. I almost feel that we're pigs, rolling around in a mud of wealth and excess, congratulating ourselves and our families for being so holy. Meanwhile our lifestyle has helped put the planet in peril, and around the world so many others are going without.

Maybe we should get our holy priorities straight? Maybe we should extend the idea of helping in soup kitchens for the poor to the rest of the world. And maybe, just maybe, the best way to help the world is to stop the Christmas consumption craze altogether!

But then what about the economy, and jobs, and US... true, there are no easy answers... especially if we never ask any questions to begin with.

peace,
d