Reflections From The Medicine Wheel

Smoke.
Smoke from a smudge.
Cold.
The wind devouring my loneliness.
Four points to the circle I call home.
My centre burns.
I can’t see.
Through the smoke.

Hunger.
It’s not eating me.
Write home.
I'm ok.
Spirits skitter.
I think laughing.
As they eat crackers.
My attic fills.
Hunger builds.

Smoke.
Smoke of tobacco.
Warm.
Filled with prayer.
Spirits drift among shrubbery.
Reassured.
Everything is ok.
Be gentle with yourself.
One truth resonates.
Happieness.

Thrist.
I’m a thirsty ghost.
Body screaming.
WATER!!!
Please…
please…
Some water.
Body and spirit separating.
Beautiful agony.
It’s ok to stop here.
Be gentle.

Smoke.
Smoke from the fire.
Eyes burning.
Unable to breath.
Breath.
Fill up on air.
Deeper.
Deeper.
Deeper.
Draw in everything you can.
All we really have.
We need.
Air.

Tired.
So Tired.
Awake in Hunger.
Awake in Thrist.
New moon fills out.
Mind works on distractions.
Visited by a spirit today.
Floating wings overhead.
East to South
A messenger.
Stand and receive.
Open your eyes.
Perceive.

Smoke.
Smoke from a smudge.
Cold.
Loneliness has left me.
Four points to the circle I call home.
My centre filled.
I can see.
Through the smoke.

Thursday, December 28, 2006
Location: Pincher Creek, Alberta

I’m back in the world: the world of eating, drinking, sleeping, and comfort. Regardless of individual volition, intuition or personal faith, we all make choices throughout our lives, and much of what I’m doing out here on the road has to do with just that. Choices. Which path do we choose to travel?

In choosing the path of a four-day fast, with no food or water, lasting from the 22nd – the 26th, I was making a clear decision. But first, in order to get out on the land, I had to cross a few hurdles, or rather, I had to question my intentions. Was I fasting out of ego, was the fast ‘all about me’, was it some relentless age-old pattern of self-denial and abuse, was I seeking guidance, or after a mystical experience, why was I running headlong towards hardship and physical suffering?

When I last wrote about fasting I mentioned I was going out to talk to an elder about my intentions. Within a few minutes of arriving at his home, desperate for guidance, I blurted out, “I’m planning to fast over Christmas. I’m leaving everything, food, water, my dog, I intend to go without, and I’m wondering if you have any thoughts?” I laugh now looking back, I was so eager, so naïve, so foolish, walking straight into the sightline of a keen discerning eye.

After speaking for a while, and him explaining the deeper traditional process of fasting, he then replied, “You’re going camping. It will be good for you to do what you’re doing, but don’t be too hard on yourself and take your dog with you.” I had come to him for guidance, but instead had the wind taken out of my sails, or so it seemed.

A few days earlier, I had gone to visit this same elder to ask him to bless some tobacco and sweet grass for me to use as offerings as I traveled. There and then he had told me, “I don’t need to bless this for you. When you make an offering, it comes from you, and it has everything to do with your intentions. Your intentionality, in itself, is the blessing.”

Standing there, the wind taken out of my sails, this conversation resurfaced. Here, I had walked into his home, hauling a load of metaphysical junk, and with a few words it all fell away, like fall leaves, leaving only intentionality. There and then I knew I would go ahead with my process, not under the Blackfoot tradition, but following my own truth and with honest and respectful intentions. The next day, with the help of friends, I was guided to a location down by the Old Man River, on the Piikani Reserve. Traditionally the Blackfoot fast at higher elevations, so for me, this was perfect, a good fit for my humility, water always running to the lowest point, but powerful nonetheless.

I chose to fast for many reasons. And, most of these reasons have to do with my own personal journey, to share in my own time down the road. Learn to be quiet, I’ve been told, in speaking indiscriminately we dilute power, learn to keep your damn mouth shut. This has been a slow road, since I love to share, but I’m learning discretion, and which medicines require more care.

Other, more accessible reasons for the fasting process have to do with this project and my purpose out here on the road.

I’m deeply interested in what we fail to see in our everyday reality; the whispers we often fail to take the time to listen to; our increasing lack of feeling and intuition, the dulling of what is truly real, in the wake of so much that is not. This is what I am seeking, and, I feel, in order to see a broader picture of reality, to step outside, requires a dedicated and honest intention, to slow down, perhaps to an almost pure and complete stop.

…

In returning home to ‘reality’, humbled and somehow more aware, a few times I was asked, “did you have any visions?”

I will not say I experienced visions, but rather, my vision has shifted. The world appears or maybe feels slightly different, I’m not sure. As yet, I am unable to put my finger on it, and like all things it will take some time to digest. A good message in itself, to allow time to do what time does best, travel it’s own course.

peace,
d

... to all.

From a guy fasting in a van down by the Old Man River, enjoy your time with family and friends.

peace,
d

Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Location: Pincher Creek, Alberta

There is something I’ve almost always known intuitively that is now right before my eyes. Everything is connected. Spending time with Blackfoot individuals has brought this idea full circle for me; everything is a relation. Animals, plants, stones, wind, and water: they all contain a spirit and our related to us. To speak of a rock as a relation is maybe too ‘out there’ for some people, and in such a case, I would say turn your attention to the world of physics and science. You’ll find when it comes down to it all, everything is part of the same basic fabric, and everything is related throughout our reality. All of this has me thinking.

When we have a family relation who is financially down and out, it’s only natural for us to give them a hand. If a mother is financially strapped, a son or daughter will become a provider. In the same way, when a son or daughter is in trouble, a parent will often ensure life’s essential needs are met. This Christmas, when you walk past that elderly gentleman ringing a bell for Salvation Army, there’s a good chance you’ll drop a small donation. This is the spirit of giving to our relations, this is the spirit that tells us we are all connected, and those of us who have will give to those who have not. All of this is done without expectation of return.

My point? All of this is a pretty bad financial investment. As to give without the expectation of a financial return seems ludicrous in this day and age.

There are so many of us in this world who really care, and then there are those who only seem to mind their pocket book, with a short-term view of providing for themselves or their children’s future. Regardless of if you are supporting local, sustainable, and organic practices in your daily life, or not, my question remains the same. What are your investments doing?

So many of us may be changing the paradigm in our immediate reality, when meanwhile, our mutual funds are working contrary to everything we claim to believe in.

I recently had a discussion with someone who reinforced this idea that EVERYTHING comes down to economics. Everything comes down to making money and a good return on your initial investment. The almighty dollar! I disagree.

What if we all invested without an expectation of a financial return? Not to throw our money away, but what if we invested because we want to support something dear to us, something important for our collective future, something we feel related to? Bah, obviously a blatant streak of misguided idealism… or is it?

When I look at history, the long-view, it seems everything has come from exactly this sort of investment I’m talking about: an investment not for financial gain, but instead, for a worthwhile result. A tribe shares meat from a hunt, a farmer provides bread to a neighbor, a community comes together to build a home, someone invests in a good idea because it’s an idea they support, something they want to see grow wings. Not out of petty self-interest.

Here and now, with our dollars are we saying we want to support continued environmental destruction, pollution, and global climate change? Or is it willful ignorance in favour of making a quick buck?

I would say, we should all be taking a closer look at our investments, and at this moment in history, we should seriously assess what it is we’re choosing to invest ourselves in.

Only after the last tree has been cut down
Only after the last river has been poisoned
Only after the last fish has been caught
Only then you will find out that money cannot be eaten
- Cree Indian Prophecy

peace,
d

Monday, December 18, 2006
Location: Pincher Creek, Alberta

I’m sitting here, the van rocking in the wind, listening to a CBC tribute to the Last Waltz… man, do I love The Band. This music fills me with the feeling that everything will be allllright.

I’ve fallen into some really amazing people in and around Pincher Creek and I’ve been shooting quite a few interviews. It seems, I’m at an interview stage of my project, as aside from some footage of windmills, mountains, and some traditional Blackfoot sites, all I’ve been shooting is interviews. These will be some of the voices that make up the audio for my project, I’m really excited to sit and ‘listen’ to this footage down the road.

So Christmas is fast approaching, and the world around me seems to be going a little crazy. I feel pretty detached for the whole Xmas experience. From where I’m sitting, I just don’t relate. The whole thing makes me really wonder. What is the driving force of it all? Is it faith or some economically based construct we’ve all agreed to support, or maybe a little of both. Either way, the other day I was in the grocery store listening to two elderly women arguing about the holidays and I made a decision. This Christmas, I will go without.

I’ve been talking with various people over the past few weeks about fasting under the Blackfoot tradition. From what I understand, usually when someone wishes to go fast they will first take part in a Sweat Lodge, where an Elder and the other participants of the Sweat will bless them, and then from there they will go out on the land and fast, usually up to four days.

Now, when the Blackfoot fast, there truly fast, no food, no water, nothing. They usually go to a sacred site, and create a small area in which they will remain for the four days duration. Now, I’m not Blackfoot, but I do hold a tremendous amount of respect for their traditions and spirituality. When speaking with the Blackfoot it seems all of my lifelong beliefs are repeatedly being reinforced. I’ve walked an interesting road to arrive here, and although I’m not perfect, I feel very connected, despite all the disconnection appearing around me. So, in this time when most of the world is consuming, eating, drinking and being merry, I will be sitting, ‘listening’, and hopefully learning. Not from a holier than thou perspective, but as a personal choice, and learning process.

My fast will take place from December 22 – December 26. I plan to spend the winter solstice preparing myself for the experience, and then relax into my location the following day. Moses may join me, or stay with friends here in Pincher, either way he will not be fasting with me ;-) I will be spending some time out on the land with a Blackfoot Elder this Wednesday, and hopefully he will be able to offer some advice regarding my upcoming process.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this planned journey before it even begins, but I think it has something to do with expressing my intentions and working to create a good experience. Maybe I should be keeping my mouth shut, time will tell.

peace,
d

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Location: Pincher Creek, Alberta

I have to apologize. Lately, I haven’t really been in the mood for writing. Just a part of the creative process, like all processes, composed of both ups and downs. Still, I want to apologize, since it’s a disservice to write half-assed, and without heart. If I’m going to do something, I would like to do it with my whole being.

I’m learning. I’m learning that the best time to write is before bed, Moses curled up at my feet, the outside world covered in a blanket of silence, my mind calm and relaxed. Hmm, this says a lot about my mind the rest of the time, I should be working on that.

Tonight Ken and I went out to the Pikanii Reserve to sit and have dinner with Morris, who held the Sweat yesterday morning. We sat and listened to stories, wonderful stories, and I learned. It seems these days all I do is learn. I learn. I learn. I learn.

In learning, I’m changing, and growing, in some ways, into an entirely different person. My old self is still there, as many of my former beliefs are being reinforced, but still, so much within me is shifting.

Tonight on the drive home, Ken and I were talking. I was telling him how I am approaching my film project. I approach this work with the idea that it’s not about me. It’s bigger than me. And, in the case it were to become about me, it would surely fail.

What is it about then?

For me it’s about being the vehicle for the process to take place. Being the conduit through which spirit can gather what it needs to tell a certain story. I work towards getting to a place where I’m no longer thinking, but instead, acting intuitively and operating on faith. In Aikido, the Japanese martial art, they speak of Mushin (No Mind), where one acts without thinking, almost channeling. Along this line of thought, I see myself as simply an implement through which some form of higher power can work. And central to this process is the idea I’ve spoken about often: letting go. The way I see it, the more I let go and arrive at a place of Mushin, the more effective I become. I feel that most of our actions in life are so laden with unnatural control and rigidity. What is created when we truly go with the flow, what happens when we stop for a moment and allow the universe in, instead of unnaturally forcing our ideas outwards upon 'reality'.

On a side note, Ken said something nice tonight that shifted my perspective on my journey. I’ve always considered my project a process of leaving, Ken planted the seed, that, as much as it’s about leaving, it’s also a journey about coming home. I like this thought, because it outlines how everything in life is a matter of perspective, a perspective that with a well timed adjustment, can be turned 180'.

peace,
d

Monday, December 11, 2006
Location: Pincher Creek, Alberta

I’ve been having some really interesting conversations over the past few days about the true nature of time and space. From what I’ve come to understand, among the Blackfoot, time is an illusion. In fact, everything we’ve come to recognize as reality is an illusion, or rather a creation that, through consensus we all support and prop up. But, from the very beginning my question has been, what are we choosing to support, what are we choosing to believe in, and why?

When I look around at the world it seems we’ve all come to agree that it’s ok for us to pollute our air, water and soil. It’s ok for us to buy into corporate agendas that disrespect not only the natural world, but also we the consumers, the very people that enable it to survive. Being somewhat outside or a drifter moving through this world, many aspect of our ‘reality’ just boggle my mind. Bottled water for example, we’ve come to accept that buying water is the norm. In my reality, clean, unprocessed water would be a fundamental right. This would be the starting point for all government and industrial policy. If you can't keep the water clean, you can't do it, period. When I was in the north, I could drink out of almost any river or stream, not the case as I move south… we should be ashamed we ever let it get this far.

Sadly, bottled water is just one small part of the overall picture of the 'reality' we’ve all chosen to support. All this makes me a little angry, on one side I feel it’s all part of a natural process of self-destruction and we need to pass through it in order to truly know, but on the other hand, I think why is it, that stupidity always seems to reign supreme.

I’ve been hearing some Blackfoot stories regarding how we, my generation, are the children of the darkness, the children of the un-natural fire. Although our reality is still there we can't see it, surrounded by darkness, unable to see beyond the blazing fire we've created. The fire being, everything we've created through technology. It seems to me that these stories ring true. I see more darkness and ignorance than natural light and wisdom these days, and although there is always hope (we can never lose hope), I wonder if we’ll end like the Easter Islanders, with a few powerful people, shrouded in darkness, making crucial decisions for all of us.

I think in my film, I’m heading towards this idea that our collapse is somewhat inevitable, but part of a natural cycle. I’m waiting for someone to show me real evidence to the contrary. I’m not sad about the idea of collapse, since there is always an upside to a downward spiral, and in the end, it is often death that provides the necessary ingredients for life. So I would say, let’s all do our part to try to turn this ship towards sustainability, since we are co-creators, but in the end if we crash and burn, don’t panic, everything will be ok ;-)

Yesterday I participated in my first Sweat Lodge held according to the Blackfoot tradition. I had taken part in some sauna sweats with my Slavey friends up around Fort Simpson, and had almost been to a Sweat in Fort Wrigley during a Dene spiritual gathering, but it seems that my time was to be now, here on the Blackfoot Piikani Reserve.

I don’t feel like sharing much about the Sweat, since I feel it was meant for me and my brother(s), and somehow it is a road we should experience to begin to understand. But, I will say one thing, if you ever have the chance to participate in a Sweat Lodge, have no fear and enjoy the process, it's a beautiful thing.

Thank you to Morris and his family for welcoming me in, and to Ken for showing me the door, in the first place.

peace
d

Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Location: Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, Ft. Macleod, Alberta

10pm. The wind is curling over the Buffalo Jump and wrapping itself around my van. I feel I’ll dream good dreams tonight.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Location: Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, Ft. Macleod, Alberta

As I’ve mentioned in the past, this film project has a lot to do with serendipity and also the idea of letting go, so the true nature of reality, which we often overlook, can find its way into our lives.

Today I decided I’d return a little way northwards, to see the legendary Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump. I had intended to visit this site on my way south, but the –40C weather diverted my course. Today in the sunshine, it must be around +5C, although it would be foolish to think winter has already come and gone.

The past few days have been very special for me, culminating in this moment. Sometimes, when the signposts of life line up in just the right way, it’s almost as though the eternal void is speaking directly to us.

I’m standing high up on the Buffalo Jump, looking across the cliff face, thinking of how humans have been here for thousands of years. Thinking about how the Blackfoot First Nations have essentially seen all of human history unfold upon this land. And, I’m thinking that I shouldn’t be thinking, I should let go and just BE in this place, let the universe finds it’s way in. Just then, as I’m thinking this last thought, an orange light begins to emerge from behind the horizon. Soon the full moon is exploding into the night sky, so immense as she first appears, illuminating the Old Man River.

It’s curious. I haven’t been paying attention to the moon over the past few days, even though the cycles of the moon are very important to my interest in exploring the ebb and flow of humans/nature. It’s curious that she has caught me off guard.

I’ve been in Blackfoot territory for about a week and a half, and only now, with the moonlight, am I seeing something clearly. Regardless of my newfound ability to honestly let go of control and just ride the wave of coincidence and serendipity, I’ve still been approaching the world from a state of wanting. I WANT! I want access. I want mystical experiences. I want to connect to nature. I want to find answers. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want people to help me. I want to help people. I want, I want, I want.

Throughout Alberta, I’ve been feeling that I’ve missed something central to the land and central to my project. I realized what it was last week while in Pincher Creek. While in Pincher I met a great new friend, Ken Williams, who teaches at the Napi Friendship Centre. Ken immediately understood my project, in fact, better than anyone else has in a very long time. He set up a meeting with Stan Knowlton, a Blackfoot, and soon we were sitting for hours, enjoying Stan’s stories, which resonated deeply within me.

This is when I realized what I had been missing. All through the north I had been collecting input from the Inuvialuit, Gwich’in and the Dene of the Deh Cho. All of a sudden, I had lost contact with the voices of First Nations. I had wanted to connect to Cree & Blackfoot people as I headed south, but found, it just didn’t happen. Finally now, through no act of my own, a door was opening itself up to me.

But as I became aware of the door, I began wanting. For this I apologize. I now stand in a state of humility. I will continue through this door, but I will hold no desire for what rests on the other side. I will receive what I am given, so that one day I may pass it on to others. I come from a place of openness, but not from a place of wanting.

Ken said something in our conversation that has stuck with me since. I’m paraphrasing,

“Often we seek the things we want to fill the hole that rests at our center. To truly understand is to understand that we are already complete, and it’s the seeking and the wanting that enables the emptiness to exist in the first place.”

Peace,
D

Monday, December 4, 2006
Location: Pincher Creek, Alberta

First off, I would like to yet again express my gratitude towards the people who have welcomed this humble pilgrim into their home. Although the –40C weather has now broken, it’s still very nice to find some warm hearts with whom to share ideas and enjoy warm food. My deepest thanks to Bud and Sue West for their generous hospitality.

Heading South into Montana, I decided to travel via Pincher Creek, Alberta, in part due to its reputation as Canada’s leading location for Wind Energy production.

I’ve been here a few days and have shot some great footage of the Wind Farms in all the image formats I have at my disposal. But what doesn’t come through in the photographic images… is the silence. The calm and meditative whooshing of the blades put me into a trance as I film. For me, they not only provide energy, but also demonstrate the potential of what we can create if we dedicate ourselves in earnest. They add to the landscape in a way that through their silence, screams sustainability. Standing here before them, I wonder why are government isn’t doing more to support this green source of energy and industry.

“After years of neglect, Canada’s alternative-energy sector produces just 4.5 percent of Canada’s total production. As if declaring its preference, Ottawa gives the oil industry $1.6 billion in subsidies each year, and companies such as Suncor and Canadian Natural Resources will spend nearly $100 billion to develop the Alberta oil sands over the next two decades. In doing so, vast amounts of new carbon emissions will be created in almost open defiance of the Kyoto Protocol.

We are light years behind, oil has a built-in subsidy advantage, and haven’t compensated the other side by giving subsidies to other energy sources.
– David Anderson, Former Canadian Environment Minister

In 1999, Spain produced the same amount of electricity generated by wind as Canada. Now, Spain has 8,000 megawatts in place and expects to have 20,000 by 2011. Canada, by comparison, has 590 megawatts of installed capacity and is aiming for 7,500 megawatts by 2013… Germany put in 10,000 megawatts of wind energy in the last four years – and yet Canada has much better wind resources. In fact, the Wind Energy Association calculates that Ontario alone has the potential to produce 40,000 megawatts, and puts Quebec’s potential at a whopping 100,000 megawatts – nearly the equivalent to the country’s entire electrical consumption.

…since 1997, when Canada first agreed to reduce greenhouse gases, Ottawa has been spending $2 a barrel on oil and gas tax subsidies for every $1 it has spent on reaching it’s Kyoto goal… How can this be part of a consistent government policy?”

- Excerpt taken from The Hydrogen Generation, Walrus Magazine, December 2005

peace,
d